Contributor Enzo Cho-Gath writes:
Throughout history, rape has been used as a tool to control
populations, especially women (discussed elsewhere on this blog). Rape was a common enough occurrence in ancient Israel
that they even passed laws for dealing with the after effects- if the female
gets pregnant, he should marry her. As is typical in patriarchal societies, the
will of the women is constantly erased as she remains a silenced victim, treated
by the law as little more than a dumping ground for male hormones.
Even in modern-day America, rape and its definition is still
being fought over by different groups. Date rape, 'forcible rape', 'rape-rape'
and other ridiculous terms are constantly thrown around to legitimize
discrimination against women and to silence victims at every possible term.
Unfortunately, the fact that males can be victims of rape is often overlooked,
and that is what we are going to look at in this column.
The concept of date-rape is often absent in Korean discourse.
In fact, when trying to ask a few mid-20s Koreans I know even how to properly
say the word in Korean, two of them said that it was a word I'd never need and
refused to continue the conversation. The third honestly was uncomfortable but
let me know later it was 강간 (or rape).
The very discomfort people show in discussing rape demonstrates
the power it holds over victims in society. I've heard story after story about
rapes occurring but have never directly heard a
Korean friend call it a rape-
typically they mitigate the circumstances, pretend it was consensual, or blame
the victim even when they are the victims themselves. A conversation on a gay
networking site shed some light on just how stringent the problem is here.
애: 안하고싶긴 했어옄
Him: I didn't want to do it but I did haha
나: 그건 강간아니지???
Me: Isn't that rape??
애: 어떤분이랑 데이트? 했어요 ㅋㅋ 근데 그 분이 계속 술을 주는거예여 근데 한국예의가 어른이 주는 술은 먹어야 혜의가 있는거예여 주는대로 먹었다가..ㅋ 뻗어서 모텔 갔음....ㅋ 그날 집에 갓긴 했는데 밤에 느읒게~ ㅋ
Him: I went on a date with someone, but he kept giving me alcohol. Korean etiquette is that you drink whatever someone older than you gives you [ed: especially if they're paying], so I drank what he gave. Then he took me to a motel. I went home that night but very late.
나: 아...그럼 그놈이랑 섹스???
Me: Uh, did you have sex?
애: 그런셈이죠 근데 저두 좋아서 그런지 반항은 안한것같아요.
Him: Basically, but I liked [it/him] so I guess I didn't say no.
This is a pretty common story, made all the more alarming by
the fact that it was being told by a 17 year old about an event that had
happened over two years prior, when he was just 15. After some further
discussion, he continued to refuse to call it rape, only saying that if he
didn't want to have sex, he shouldn't have met the 26 year-old who raped it. He
blamed himself and said he probably wanted it anyways.
So what we have is a 26 year old
buying a 15 year old alcohol and taking him to a hotel and raping him, but the
victim himself doesn't acknowledge the situation as rape because he blames
himself (also note that these ages follow Korean age conventions- that means that according
to birthdate a 24/25 year-old man raped a 13/14 year-old middle school
student). The boy continued to insist it was his fault and that he just doesn't
meet that guy anymore- so it's all okay. It's not like he was murdered.
In addition to the lack of
awareness that date rape IS rape, there seems to be a cultural reluctance to
see that power imbalances play a big role in sex and rape. This is a big issue
in America as well, especially when managers seduce or pressure employees into
sex. Even in the gay community, there seems to be this misconception that any
male who has sex has wanted it and that it's not 'real rape' if the victim is a
bottom. This ridiculous concept is never better illustrated than in the
constant jokes about how gay men must love prison.
Especially in a culture in which
men must follow their 'older brother' (형), it's extremely difficult
for a young gay man to ever feel truly safe on a date. There is an overall
cultural idea that forming a friendship outside of your birth year (known as '동갑친구') is difficult and maybe impossible; age differences
even as slight as a year lead to burdens such as the example above with
alcohol. Even if someone a year older than me were to pour me alcohol, it would
be rude of me to reject it, extremely rude if they're paying. When you have
cultural pressures that fall so heavily on these young students, it's no wonder
that they don't want to call it rape- in many of their minds, it's just an
inevitable part of dating culture.
I remember a few personal experiences
of attempted rape when I lived in Seoul. The first was at a Jongro bar in which
I was drinking very heavily with a group of acquaintances. An older gentlemen,
at least ten years my senior, came over with a bottle of soju and proceeded to
continue getting me drunk while the guys I was with began partnering off for
the night. He began stroking my leg and telling me how I would make such a cute
bottom, and one of the guys I was with actually egged him on, saying that I
should take this as a compliment. When I did not, they said I shouldn't be rude
or make a scene- just follow hyung (형, older brother), do what he
says- it's polite, it's Korean culture, they claimed, ashamed of my rudeness.
I tried rejecting the alcohol, much to the
embarrassment of my party, and after just ten minutes, the older man attempted
to take me to a motel, presumably before I sobered up. I had to physically push
him off of me, again to the embarrassment of my party, and stormed out, running
around a few corners to keep the pervert from following me before I could grab
a taxi.
Another time was at a club in
Itaewon when a man much larger than me grabbed my arm, pulling me through a
busy crowd, and into the bathroom. I had seen him many times before but we had
never talked, he seemed shy around strangers, but I thought maybe he just
wanted to talk- after all, the bathroom was the quietest place in the building
and using it as a place to talk was common. I asked what he wanted and he
responded by shoving his hands down my pants and saying that he wanted to fuck
me in the bathroom. I politely said no, then I hit him, and left for the night.
Looking back, I realize that these
events may not be representative of what happens every single day in Korea. But
the fact that these two attempted rapes on someone as visible as a (at that
time) blonde white person took place at two extremely popular and busy venues
for gays, it only makes me all the more concerned about what is happening at
the smaller venues that slips past the eye because consent is so difficult to
discuss, let alone see from a distance. Even more so I am concerned that
younger gay men may not have opportunities to discuss consent and that
prevailing attitudes toward age hierarchy add a power dynamic that could
promote rape culture within the gay community in Korea.
All I can say is that I sincerely hope
that there are opportunities for change in the near future. Rape is never a
joke and is never okay, under any circumstances. I'm thankful even for the
vocabulary that I have to discuss- I know what rape is, but even for me,
discussing the exact boundaries for what consent is can be tricky. I wish that
there were opportunities for young gays to learn about consent and rape so that
they can avoid the pain and shame that so many others seem to believe is
nothing more than inevitable.
So that means that the question
truly is "How do we educate ourselves about consent?"
At this point the Korean Gender Café
would like to identify additional support resources for rape victims or for gay community members,
but this is a work in progress (we welcome you to provide information in the comments section and thank you for your contributions here!)
Adaptable Human Services seems to
have services in English and in Korean for therapy, or might have referral
suggestions (this is not an endorsement by our blog) Website: http://ahskorea.com/
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