Magic Mike XXL Trailer - My Reaction

I just watched the Magic Mike XXL trailer:

This movie trailer treats me like Magic Mike's moves might erase my memory. I am sure that I can remember that the title is not just LARGE, it is Magic Mike XXL.

I don't need a power tool thrust to help me remember. Nor do I need that water bottle to stand in as ejaculate to understand that this film will try to emphasize sexual tension. But, you know, points for clarity, I guess *^.~*

But this begs the question, is there a Female Gaze? I feel like you're telling me where and how to look, Magic Mike.

So... basically, my body is metaphorically made into a machine, Joe shoots in my face, Mike pulls my hair... and this is supposed to be erotic for female consumers of this film? This and 50 Shades of Gray are our mainstream and popular sex stories?

I guess I don’t hate it that much, I’m just disappointed. This really isn’t creative.

Gender, Sex and Politics in Korea: What the Saenuri Party really meant by "Prepared Woman President"

The Park Administration response to the Sewol sinking was absolutely inadequate. Protests and hunger strikes to demand accountability and preventative measures continue to grow five months after over 300 people, mostly students on a field trip, lost their lives.

A family assembles to demand a "safe world for my son."

Apparently some politicians demanding a transparent report on the Presidents' response have been gossiping and speculating on her sex life. Opposition lawmaker Sul Hoon referenced (and dismissed) rumors that President Park was engaging in a "tryst" during a 7 hour period during the tragic Sewol sinking.

President Park participates in mourning the deceased. 

“What did [President Park] do for those seven hours at the Blue House?” Sul asked. “I don’t think it’s true what people are saying about her having a tryst. I think that’s probably not it.”

The resulting political controversy has centered on demands that Sul resign and whether his words were intended to malign the President or to dismiss the rumors. Lost in this discussion is the sexism that the majority party is also leveling at President Park.

While Sul's accounting of the rumors demonstrate a sexist tendency to focus on the unmarried female President's leadership, they also highlight a sense of betrayal and mistrust. The gossip centers on what might have kept the President preoccupied specifically for the 7 hour period during the Sewol sinking.

On the other hand, Saenuri party spokesperson Park Dae-chul's statement blurs President Park's public office and private sex life, and are not limited to a discussion of the Sewol sinking, but extend to a general comment about women's sexuality:

“It’s troubling to think what might happen if there are rumors about ‘the President of the Republic of Korea having a tryst’ going around,” Park added. “The Saenuri Party intends to examine a possible complaint against Sul Hoon to the National Assembly Ethics Committee.”

What might happen?

By emphasizing the "Republic of Korea" in his statement, perhaps spokesman Park calls upon tried and tested fear of Korean womens' bodies and sexuality and the national image. He asks, how might Korea look to other nations?

Is the Saenuri Party particularly sensitive to North Korea state media describing President Park as a "crafty prostitute" in thrall to her "pimp" Barack Obama?" Or is Saenuri still unclear what they meant by the election campaign slogan "Prepared Woman President?" The party cultivates an image of a woman's body and sexuality sacrificed as the "mother of the Korean state" and in control in contrast to the womens' bodies the state aggressively polices and regulates.  

Campaign Slogan: Prepared Woman President

Sources:
Hankyoreh, Opposition lawmaker causes firestorm by referring to president’s “tryst”
Posted on : Sep.13,2014 14:15 KST  http://english.hani.co.kr/arti/english_edition/e_national/655017.html

Pop Culture & Gender: Why Baekma?

Guest post by the band Baekma. KGC readers will know by now that I (Chelle) dislike the term Baekma,so I asked the band why they choose it and how they are using it to call attention to gender issues. Find the band on Facebook and listen to their music here. 

“What’s the name of your band?”  “Baekma.”  “Huh?” “BAEKMA!” 

The name we chose for our band warrants many types of responses.  Foreigners or Korean women must think we like galloping beautiful ponies when we explain the definition. Korean men, however, are left with looks of surprise, shock or comical amusement. These men almost always ask, “Do you know what that means?” as if we weren’t privy to their dirty little secret. Well, we do know what it means and we chose it to shock you, on purpose.

The phrase literally translates to ‘white horse’ taken from Chinese.  A Korean male friend informed me that it began a few decades ago as slang used to refer to the only Western women one could find in Korea, Russian prostitutes working the streets of Itaewon.  It evolved over time to mean any Western woman.  If this is the true origin, it’s no wonder that the word implies sex. Mumbled drunkenly among chingus when a wayguk woman passes them on the street at 4 am, or mentioned when a buddy returns from a vacation abroad, this word is tossed around between Korean men with curiosity: “What’s it like to ride the Baekma?” “Did you ride a Baekma on your trip to Europe?”

After Korean men realize we are aware of the negative connotations behind our name, we get responses like, “Why would you name your band that?” or “That’s so sexual!”

First off, I suppose we WANTED to be controversial and expose the stereotypes surrounding Western women. We started as an all-girl Western band, coming together after mixed experiences playing in bands with all boys. Besides feeling like we had more to prove since we were women in the music scene, we wanted to confront and challenge the idea that Western women are easy to get into bed or are only valuable in a sexual way. Just because a woman is in charge of her own sexuality, doesn’t mean she is promiscuous or dirty. Just because she has a nice set of legs or arms, doesn’t mean her wish in life is to use them to please a man. Just because she prefers to decide how she wants to look or act regardless of how a man says she should, doesn’t mean she is less beautiful. It’s easy to get disheartened in Korea if you do not fall into the limited impossible standard of beauty. We believe women shouldn’t be seen as less talented, less driven, less intelligent, or weaker than a man because cowardly men prefer it. It’s easy to get disheartened in Korea if you are not used to or do not fall into the very narrow ideal of feminine beauty within this culture. This standard is impossible to uphold without expensive treatments, surgery and/or hours wasted on grooming. Also, many men seem to be holding on the antiquated idea that women’s role in life is to serve them. Sam Hammington, whether speaking from his own mind, or instructed by a producer, said on the Global episode of Happy Together in 2013 that he married a Korean woman because “Korean women are really good to men,” implying that Western women are NOT because they “have their own lives”, “are never affectionate” and “never act cute”. In one quick comment, he reduced Korean women’s existence and demonized the concept of independent women in charge of their own lives. We know that Korean women are tired of their stereotypes and expectations as much as we are. We channeled our frustrations of living in this hyper-sexualized and misogynist society into our music.

There hasn’t really been anyone providing a voice for the foreign women community within the indie rock scene in Seoul. We feel we have a unique perspective on gender issues as we compare progress here and abroad. We hope our voices can support the movement towards gender equality and freedom of women to choose what they want to become not only in Korea, but also worldwide.

So we are BaekMas. We are not offended by that word. We are Baekmas. We act and dress how we want. We say what we feel and believe in. We write songs about the shitty stuff we see happening to people around us that’s sometimes based on gender. We sing about how we want the world to be. We will probably disagree with you. We may even piss you off. We may or may not sleep with you. But we will definitely make sweet love to your ear holes with our synth dance pop rock.

Find information on Baekma's upcoming podcast here.

Queer Corner: Walking while Queer, "homonationalism" and "pinkwashing"

Someone unknown to me commented on my Facebook profile photo (below) sarcastically referencing "homonationalism" and "pinkwashing" because my photo and text (written in Korean) reads "Let's not stigmatize against LGBTQ people."

I took this photo in December at the launch of Hollaback! Korea. At the time, a group of volunteers made a series of photos to respond to their experiences of street harassment. Our project is (meant to be) inclusive of a wide group of people living in South Korea and a safe space to share experience of street harassment, which may include sexual, racial, homophobic and other verbal, non-verbal and physically harassing behavior in public places. So, we wrote our messages in Korean or English and then edited the photos by adding English or Korean text to overlay the photos or by captioning them so that they could be read and shared in both languages to include our whole community of leaders and supporters.

I took a long time to come out as Bisexual and it is an ongoing process of personal reflection and dialog with trusted friends. When I lived in my home country (US) I only let very few people know and I was very intimidated and lacked the confidence to participate in a supportive community. I have lived in Korea for most of the last 8 years and finally became a part of a community that felt safe among my friends to begin to come out. Since I lived in Korea, several times I have heard in Korean, and a few times in English (the English-speaking population is just smaller) Korean nationals and non-nationals alike target lesbian, gay, transgender, bisexual or gender-role non-conforming people (including me) in public places for street harassment. As a bystander or as the person targeted in those situations, I didn't always speak up. Over time and in the few cases when the comment was directed at me or someone I know, I was more likely to say something or take action.

I made this photo and message because in the classroom, on the street, in a restaurant, in media and in other settings I overhear(d) homophobic comments made in Korean and sometimes in English, but since I live in Korea, I overhear them more often in Korean. Coworkers made homophobic comments in front of and at me, and in a few cases even friends who know that I am Bisexual make homophobic "jokes" directed at me. So, I took the opportunity to respond in ways that I always wish I could/did/would when I hear these statements.

The comment gave me a lot to think about, particularly questioning my position as a person speaking out about homophobia. For example, I consider and critique the U.S. State Department for not evaluating its' own human rights record for far too long while leveraging its critique of other states against them in international affairs. Yet, speaking up for myself and supporting friends is not the same thing as "pinkwashing" and "homonationalism" and as a person anywhere I can add my voice to the discussion and I can respond to the harassment I experience. It does not mean that I am an expert, it does not mean that I am condemning anyone, etc. As I put it before, it simply means "Let's not stigmatize against LGBTQ people."

I am glad to belong to communities of people that share experiences with me and support me, and I am glad to have the opportunity for discussion. I am not going to silently endure homophobia and I will continue to use resources available to me to cope with homophobia, so I am very thankful to have a supportive community that is willing to discuss and hear about experiences of street harassment.

"On May 31st I was raped in Itaewon"

I do not know how to start this gently, so I am just going to come out and say it: on May 31st I was raped in Itaewon.  I was out drinking with a friend at G--- Bar (ladies night) and the last thing I remember was doing shots with a man whom I had just met. The next thing I knew I was waking up (in a blurry state of mind) in a dirty love motel and he was raping me. I was unable to do or say anything because I was still very drunk, or drugged, and then I passed out again. The next day I woke up wearing only a t-shirt of his, with vomit in my hair and bruising on the top of my left foot. I had a massive headache and was very confused about what had happened the night before. Immediately I was told that I had vomited and I urinated on myself.  I asked him if we had sex.  

His first reply was no.  I told him that I remembered having sex to which he then confirmed that we did. I could tell that he was also feeling uncomfortable.  At this point he told me I still had my wallet with me and that he had used a condom. Like he had done me a service and I should be thankful for his assistance.  I quickly got my clothes on, which were soaking wet, and went home.  At this point I had not labeled the act rape.  I just wanted to get out of his vicinity as soon as possible. I was so hung over and confused. I had not registered what happened to me.  This is not an unusual response from a person who has been sexually assaulted. Often victims feel that they are somehow responsible and hold themselves accountable for the violation. I experienced a very textbook reaction to the situation.

Later that day, it hit me that I was raped. This harsh realisation came to me when I was retelling the incident to some of my friends. I had to hear my story from a third person perspective. I knew that if another person was telling me this exact story that I would tell them that they were raped. Coming to that realisation was a very difficult process.  I felt very dirty and extremely violated. I did not want to admit that I was a rape victim/survivor.  I did not want to have a personal relationship with that word, a word I had feared for most of my life.

I had R----’s Kakao information (phone number) from the previous night so I messaged him saying I felt that he took advantage of me and that I was in no state of mind to consent to sex. He wrote back saying I was passing out on the street so he took me to his motel where I vomited all over myself and urinated in his bed. He became very defensive and claimed that he had nothing to do with me sexually. He felt that he was entitled to a thank you and not an accusation. This was disturbing for many reasons.

With the support of my friends I went to the one-stop center (sexual assault clinic) at the police hospital. I initially did not want to go.  I wanted to shower and pretend that nothing had happened. I thought that I was to blame. I did not want to retell my story because I was terrified that I would not be believed. That I would be held accountable for the incident.  I did not want to experience the shame that comes hand in hand with victim blaming. I feared that I would not be taken seriously because I was unconscious for the majority of the rape.  All of these reactions are very common for victims of sexual assault.  After I did go and decided to press charges I felt empowered. I had taken control back.

One week later, I saw R----- in Itaewon, which sent chills down my back. He was just walking around like everything was normal.   His normalcy was so unsettling because he appeared to be unchanged by what he did to me.  Meanwhile, I was experiencing anxiety, mood swings, fear and depression.  My sense of safety and security had been taken from me.  I was having dreams of him violating me and me being defenseless to stop it.  I also had dreams of people telling me that I should not drink so much or wear that tank top; of people saying that they hoped I learned a lesson from all this.  R---- seemed as though he was taking a leisurely walk on a sunny day without a worry.

I am an advocate of women’s rights and identify as a feminist. I am passionate about empowering and advocating for women; educating others on the very real inequalities that exist between men and women; and educating others on the impact of rape culture.  I am currently in school for counselling women and would one day like to support victims of violence.  I have feared rape my whole life. I have taken precautions to walk down busy streets at night instead of short cuts. I have asked friends to come to public bathrooms with me. I have had terrifying nightmares about rape since I was 12 years old.  I am well aware of the high incidents of rape, and that most rapes are unreported.  I have friends who have been raped by strangers, boyfriends and acquaintances.  I know that most victims of rape experience re-victimization because of a justice system that was created in a rape culture that blames the victims.  Even with all of this knowledge and my feminism my initial reaction was ultimately the fear of judgment.

While most of my friends were supportive and reassuring I still encountered discouraging comments.  I was told that I was too drunk to really know what happened, that I should not go to the police because there were too many grey areas. I was kindly reminded that I had been sexually irresponsible in the not so distant past.  Essentially, I was told that because I engaged in consensual sex I put myself at risk of being raped.  Essentially, I was being told a woman who is drunk equates to a woman who gets raped and that is just the way the world works.  Recently, I was asked if I felt part of the club now. This is not a club that women desire to be a part of.  I don’t get a free t-shirt and a spot at some imaginary victims’ table.   I am not a “rapable” woman, nor did I or any other victim want this membership.  I was even instructed not to tell my father because it would upset him too much.  Like it was something that happened to him and not to me.  Like I needed to shield him from being ashamed of me.  Like I am damaged now and it is best to keep quiet about it and move on.  All of these reactions by people I love and who love me are examples of how deeply embedded rape culture is in our collective consciousness.

I am writing about this incident openly because I want other women who are unsure if they were raped or are afraid to disclose for valid reasons know that they are not alone.  They are not to blame,  it is not their fault and feelings of confusion are normal.  Sex without consent is rape.  A person who has sex with you without your consent is a rapist.  Just because you drank too much does not mean that you somehow asked for rape.  Just because you have sex does not mean that you put yourself at risk of rape.  Just because you talked to a stranger at a bar does not mean you want to have sex with him.  The responsibility of this dehumanising act lies with the rapist.  Why do we still have to tell grown men and women that rape is not the victims fault? Why is this not common sense in 2014?

I am not damaged goods, I am not a part of a rape club, and I am not defined by this incident.  This act happened to me, but I will not allow it to limit me.  I believe some people would feel more comfortable if I decided to stay home and never to go to another bar again.  That I should learn my lesson and suffer the consequences of constant fear, depression and isolation. That I should act like the victim of rape they see on TV or in the media.  My strength makes people uncomfortable and skeptical of me.  But it is my feminism and my belief in myself that helps me to heal.  My world has not been shattered only readjusted.

I am not a victim or a survivor first. I am woman who has been a victim and a survivor of rape.  I am not ashamed because I know that the shame belongs to R----.

One-stop center at the police hospital is a resource every woman in Seoul should know about.   If you are sexually assaulted find the strength and a friend to go to this center.  They will give you antibiotics to prevent infection, a physical examination, blood and STD tests, a counsellor to talk to and the choice of reporting the incident to the police.  This service was 100 percent free and the staff were professional as well as sensitive.

Caroline

Update: Those interested in further information about police response to sexual assault might be interested to read Raped and alone in a foreign land

On Breastfeeding and Being a New Mom in Korea

Guest Post Written by Cyndie Miniscloux

I recently became a mother and moved (back) to Korea when my baby was 2 months old.  Since then I have made observations on the mother’s experience here in Korea.  The following are just my perceptions, but perhaps there are others out there who see and feel it as I do. 

One of the topics that my professor talked about quite a bit when I was studying Korean society at SNU was Korea’s low fertility.  When I look at it now, I think, “No wonder.” It’s just hard being a mother in Korea, especially if you’re a working or single mom.  If you want to raise a kid, well don’t expect much help from the rest of society.  This is also why Korea still has so many “orphans”, kids who in most cases are not orphans at all but children of unwed parents financially unable to care for them. 

I have thought about going back to work (my last job before pregnancy was a contract job in Korea, so that means I need to find a new job).  But I’m breastfeeding and my baby will not take formula.  The thought of pumping enough milk so that she can have enough everyday if I have to drop her off at daycare is overwhelming as it is.  But would a potential Korean employer even allow me pumping breaks?  Of course it’s common to take smoking breaks.  I mean if it’s so you can go pollute the air and screw up your lungs, go ahead take a quick smoking break.  But pumping?  Woman, if you’re gonna need time for that baby stuff, to produce the healthiest thing your baby can have, stay at home and be a mom. 

Caption: Johnathan Wenske & Kris Haro's poster campaign raises awareness about public breastfeeding, read more here.

I have a friend from middle school who lives in Florida and literally we both got unexpectedly pregnant at the same time. Our baby girls were born 5 days apart.   Neither of us were married at the time we got pregnant and neither of us were really prepared to have a child.  Yet she not only got maternity leave from her job (which was not a contract job) for 2 months, but when she came back, she had daycare available on-site.  Not only did her company allow her pumping breaks, but also she could go see her daughter during lunch time to feed her and see her, so the child doesn’t go the whole day without seeing her mother.  And I envy this friend.  That kind of situation would be perfect for me.  I could still give my baby what she needs to be healthy and earn the money we need to support our family.   But go and find such a job in Korea.

And then there is the whole ordeal of going anywhere at all with a breastfed infant.  I once decided to go visit some people who were literally 40 km away.  I had to basically cut through all of Seoul from one part of Gyeonggi-do to another.  So basically I figured the subway ride alone, stop to stop would be one hour long.  Now, I commend Korea for its nursing rooms in many subway stations.  Those are awesome.  However, when the subway ride alone is one-hour long, chances are a 3 month old will want to feed during the ride itself.  So I came on the train with my nursing pillow and nursing cover and got nice and comfortable in the seats reserved for the elderly, disabled and mothers of yet to be born or young children.  But in Korea, it’s been my understanding that nursing in public is taboo even with a cover, as if I was doing something nasty under that cover.  People are not even used to the idea of a nursing cover; they just don’t really use them.  So when this lady got on the train and sat next to me, she was all excited that I had a baby, and without asking starting to lift up the cover to see underneath.  She didn’t realize that I was nursing.  She thought, apparently, that the cover was just to help the baby sleep.  I was embarrassed when she lifted the cover because across from us were some older men.  I tried to whisper to her to stop, because I was nursing and when she finally understood she seemed uncomfortable. 

Another not-so-pleasant experience was when my husband, daughter and I went to a reunion dinner with my husband’s elementary school friends and their 6^th grade [male] teacher.  We had brought pumped breastmilk and some juice, but the baby drank all of that and after a while became fussy and demanded more.  I told my husband, “Perhaps I should breastfeed her.”  My husband whispered back, “Not right now, it’s not polite to do it in front of Seonsaengnim.”  Although it’s beyond my understanding why it’s rude to feed my crying baby in front of this man, I had no choice but to accept the situation.  It so happened also that the restaurant we were at, despite being high end, did not have one of these nursing rooms.  But I am still angry thinking about how my baby had to go hungry because of these social norms.  Why, oh Korean people, is it rude to breastfeed my child with a cover in front of a well-respected older man?

I guess these are the changes I’d love to see.  I get it.  Women’s breasts have been messed up by our society to be a sex object and no one wants to see an exposed breast.  But my baby needs to eat.  And she needs to eat when I leave home too.  Although I believe that breasts were designed by God to feed infants and not as sex objects, and that therefore women should be able to openly breastfeed, in the name of cultural understanding, I will meet you halfway and cover up when I breastfeed.  But please don’t look at me funny when I’m sitting in the subway feeding my baby. 

I’d also like to see more companies with daycare on site or in the same building.  I know every business cannot afford to do that.  But don’t tell me that those big daegieop can’t afford it.  I’d like to see a society where it’s normal for a mom to pump at work, and that companies wouldn’t have this attitude of “What dare you ask?? Breaks to pump?!” I’d like to see decent hours for workers with young children so people have at least a bit of time to spend with their children.  Overall, I’d just like to see a change in attitude towards mothers, so that having a child would be considered a contribution to society rather than something only women with well-off, higher salary husbands are allowed to do.  Think about it.  If Korea has no children, there will be no one to support the older generation (aka our generation) in the future.  Sometimes it feels that lawmakers are so near-sighted.  Think of the future too.

Also I’d be nice if the state could do more to help young/unwed parents in a difficult financial situation.  It’s true that assistance programs can be quite costly.  But what I don’t understand is that it’s probably so much more costly for the state to run orphanages and fully support the children whose parents are forced to give them up, than to partly support  those families through various programs and/or subsidies.  

Attend my talk on Korea's Sex Trafficking Prevention Act, International Norms & Local Legal Rhetoric

I will present a part of my research this Friday afternoon at the International Studies Academic Conference hosted by Yonsei University. The event will run from 1PM to 6PM in New Millenium Hall Room 101. I think I may be the last speaker on the second panel in the flyer below (after 3:30PM presumably). Just FYI, venue is located closer to the Ehwa University back entrance bus stop although you can enjoy the walk through the campus from the Yonsei front gate if you'd like. Hope to see some familiar faces in the audience~

RSVP and find event details at https://www.facebook.com/events/632909236786624/

Korea Queer Pride Fest & unofficial after-party

You can find detailed information about Korea Queer Pride Festival at their website. I am sharing some major event details below:

Festival Breakdown

- Event: The 15^th Annual Korea Queer Culture Festival 2014

- Date: June 7^th-15^th, 2014

- Slogan: Love Conquers Hate

- Program: Queer Parade, Queer Film Festival, After Parties 

- Organizers: KQCF(Korea Queer Culture Festival) 

- Donors: IVANCITY, Google, 80 individual community organizations made up of culture organizations, women organizations and civil society organizations. 

Last December, the 15^th Annual Queer Culture Festival started with the slogan “Love Conquers Hate”, which is now the name of the LGBT campaign spreading throughout the world. “Asia Pride in Seoul”, will be the main concept of the festival. This event has been organized to invite all Asian LGBT organizations. With this festival, the 15^th Annual Queer Culture Festival wants to fight against homophobia, which is a constant problem around the world, including Korea. LGBT organizations and individuals from Taiwan, Japan, Hong Kong, China and India are invited to join the festival. On June 7^th, Seoul will be a place where we can express our refute against discrimination and homophobia, and ultimately celebrate our queer culture.

- For additional information please visit:

- Official Homepage. www.kqcf.org

- Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/kqcf2000 / Twitter. https://twitter.com/kqcf

Main Program  

Queer Parade
- When: June 7^th, 2014 from 12:00-3:00PM
- Where: Sinchon transit mall, Seoul 
- Concept: Asia Pride in Seoul (Asian LGBT organizations and individuals will come together to celebrate their pride and to feel a sense of unity)  
- Content: Event Booths – Opening Ceremony – Pride Parade – Closing Ceremony

- Expected attendees: More than 20 thousand


Also passing along information about the Korea Pride Fest unofficial after-party with Meet Market at CLUB MWG in Seoul.

ABOUT The Meet Market:
The Meet Market is a safe space and party for the LGBTQIA* community and their allies in Seoul and S. Korea and has been going on since 2011! It features drag, burlesque, dance and all other things good and queer!

Meet Market 소개:
퀴어 커뮤니티를 위한 파티!
2011년부터 시작된 퀴어파티 미트마켓은 게이, 레즈, 바이, 트랜스, 퀴어 서포터즈들 다함께 즐길수 있는 파티로 드랙쇼, burlesque (야한 익살쇼), 등의 다양한 쇼와 음악 ,또 멋진 친구들이 함께하는 파티입니다.

The Event / 이벤트
The Pride Meet Market (The Unofficial Pride Afterparty)
Hosted by: "The Butch-hers"
A party for ALL kinds of queers AND their allies since 2011

Place: Hongdae: Myoung Wol Gwan (MWG) 장소 : 홍대 클럽 명월관
SATURDAY 7 June 2014 9PM-2:30AM 토요일 6원 7일 9~2:30
Cover: ONLY 10,000 won incl. 1 free drink* 임장료: 만원

TWO full shows for Pride
1st show at 12.00am
2nd show at 1.30am

Check out more event details at their Facebook page:
https://www.facebook.com/events/785056638172163/

Does "Get your arse out, mate" Trivialize Sexism, Street Harassment and Survivors?

The Guardian posted “'Get your arse out, mate': we turn the tables on everydaysexism – video” which is getting praise from some, but I am critical of the video and its potential to education the public or build solidarity. You can watch the video at the link above or embedded here:

The Everyday Sexism Project aims to document “experiences of sexism, harassment and assault to show how bad the problem is &create solidarity.” How does The Guardian's Leah Green work to that end by targeting random men in the street?

The idea of “turning the tables on men” grabs attention, for sure, and we’ve seen very successful scripted videos like OppressedMajority that speak volumes about sexism and street harassment without, actually, harassing anyone in the process.

Maybe the Guardian video can even been seen as a platform to make people hear the words that have been used against those contributing at Everyday Sexism Project. Great, but that can be done by other means.

Having watched the video, I cannot get behind the method.

First, and most importantly, NOBODY should be spoken to in ways that make them uncomfortable or are intended to intimidate, humiliate, shame, etc. The Guardian’s Leah Green does not work for Everyday Sexism, but “performed” scenarios inspired by the project on men. Let’s unpack those euphemisms a bit. The Guardian/Leah Green read real accounts of sexism and harassment, and decided to pick random unsuspecting men on the street and “perform” intimidating actions, harassment, and hate speech on them. I have been harassed on the street, I would absolutely abhor seeing my story as a ‘scenario’ ‘performed’ on another human being. 

Yet, the issue is controversial and it is sparking debates, like this: 

Second, the scenarios do not necessarily promote awareness of sexual harassment or street harassment and in turn may even contribute to homophobia or trivializing street harassment survivors. When Leah Green drives by and catcalls out the window, did that teach anyone about the harm? Worse, when Leah Green targets and asks pairs of men if they have "ever made out," the Guardian reporter is making big assumptions the men being asked, such as about their sexuality. 

The segment absolutely overlooks the reality that gay men and trans men and others also suffer street harassment. Further, in the minds of the men being asked, or folks watching the video, the ‘scenario performed on’ the men in the video may either trigger memories of other times they have been targeted for harassment based on their sexual and/or gender identity. Or, rather than promoting awareness about harassment, the question could spark socially heteronormative or homophobic responses, rather than clicking so that they 'get' how this question connects to street harassment of pairs of women. The Guardian comes off as policing masculinity and echoes hate speech that some LGBTQ viewers may have experienced, rather than educating anyone about the Everyday Sexism Project.  

Third, the randomly selected men are not necessarily those that attack women that contribute to the Everyday Sexism Project site. We don’t know anything educational about this project, it’s method, etc. we don't know what was explained to these men that were "performed on" or what opportunity they had to learn from this experience. How does that build solidarity, which is the aim of the Everyday Sexism Project?

Street harassment is painful, and being targeted may have been painful for the men in the video, too. One news outlet titles the image below “Guardianreporterprank_large” and yet the same article commends the ‘undercover reporter’ for maybe raising “some much-needed awareness along the way” through what is labelled a prank. Harassment is not a prank. As Jezebel's Tracie Egan Morrissey points out, "the construction workers didn't like being catcalled at all." Harassment simply shouldn't be trivialized like this: 

The Everyday Sexism Project does powerful work by bringing these stories to light. Taking the project onto the streets and getting people who might not otherwise take time to self-educate is impressive. i would commend the Guardian and Leah Green for doing that. But, I am not sure they achieve public education, or do they potentially damage the reputation of the Everyday Sexism Project by using its' name and coming off as serving up random retribution to?  Careful consideration no doubt went into producing this video, and it is a really notably different video with raw reactions from real people that are not scripted. There will be discussion and reflection, for starters:

How seriously are the media taking this issue? How well does the Guardian understand street harassment? Does the video come off as retribution or as a public education project?

Seoul Event by Hollaback! Korea: Let's put an end to street harassment in our communities!

Join Hollaback! Korea in Seoul for a discussion about street harassment and how we can end it. Hollaback! Korea supporters will meet Saturday, February 8 from 2-4PM at Ben James coffee shop near Hapjeong station exit 5. Hollaback Site leaders from Seosan and Seoul will be present and welcome all members to participate in the discussion and/or share their stories for support. Hollaback! Korea supporters will strategize how to end street harassment in our communities.

Saturday, February 8, 2014
2:00pm until 4:00pm
Cafe Ben James, Seoul Mapo-Gu Hapjeong-Dong 411-5
See details and RSVP on the Hollaback! Korea Facebook page

Community members of all genders, sexual orientations, race, and national origin are welcome to join Hollaback! Korea. Hollaback! Korea founders and supporters are friends, daughters, students, sisters and brothers, workers, supporters, partners, wives and husbands who are Korean nationals, people of color, adoptees, foreigners, ethnic and overseas Koreans, LGBTQ, young and old, single and multicultural family members of Korean society. we come from Seoul, Gwangju, Busan, Daejeon, Jeju, and Daegu to share these stories. We are building an intersectional space to address street harassment and welcome anyone to join this movement.

This is a map depicting the geographic location of (some of) the stories shared to Hollaback! Korea in the two months since the project launched. See the full map at the Hollaback! Korea website. Pink dots visually depict stories shared by the person targeted for harassment, green dots are stories shared by a bystander who witnessed harassment.

흑형이란? What is meant by Black (Big) Brother?

흑형이라는 말에 대해 어떻게 생각합니까? 인종차별주의적 태도가 보여합니까? 또한 성적 매력을 부여합니까? What do you think of the term Black (Big) Brother? Does it show a racist attitude? Does it show sexualization?

"흑형" 이미지 검색의 결과에 봅시다 Let's take a look at search engine results for the term:

 네이버 Naver:

구글 Google:

"흑누나"의 결과 Black (Big) Sister search term results:

3개월 전에 비공개의 얘기에 봅시다 Let's look at a conversation on Naver from 3 months ago:

Rough Translation: When we use the term "Black (Big? Brother" and thoughtlessly talk down to people with other skin colors, don't you think it can make people of color feel bad and is a wrong thing to do??

Rough Translations:  (top) It isn't talking down. With those words I am going to praise the greatness of Black (Big) Brother and Black (Big) Sister. (middle): It's wrong. But the term is already spread widely. Can't get rid of it People use it a lot ㅜㅜ (bottom with image): The term Black (Big) Brother was made to make people laugh, right? Korea thinks it is so funny so it won't be easy to get rid of. 

네티즌들의 “흑형”이라 붙인 사진에 보면서 인종적 고정 관념에 대해 생각합시다. 이렇게 인해 인종차별주의적 태도가 비판할 수 있다. 예를 들어 억센 팔과 살팍진 몸이 강조하고 이미지의 내용을 평가하면 성관계에 관한 형상화를 많이 본다. When we look at the images that Korean language users attach the term "Black (Big) Brother" to we can think about racist attitudes. In this way we can criticize these attitudes. For example, in the images above we see an emphasis on muscular and sexualized bodies, and that the term is attached to references to sexuality and sexual imagery.

흑형이라는 말에 대해 어떻게 생각합니까? What do you think about the term Black (Big) Brother?

Street Harassment in Korea

A little over six weeks since launching Hollaback! Korea I have already read about 20 stories from members of our community. I have also seen hundreds of people step up to join our project to end street harassment. At our events and during interviews, a number of people who have not written their stories and shared to the site have also discussed the issue with me.

An audience member at our Bystander Intervention Workshop

I am frequently asked, "What is Hollaback?"

Hollaback is an international movement to end street harassment that is active in 24 countries and over 71 cities in 10 languages. By street harassment, we refer to sexist, racist, transphobic, homophobic, ableist, sizeist and/or classist harassment that often targets women, LGBTQ and transgender community members. This harassment takes place in public places like parks, the subway, on the street or in a shop. Street harassment can be intimidating behavior intended to make the target uncomfortable or scared. It can be verbal, physical, gestures or noises, and other forms of intimidating behavior.

"How was Hollaback! Korea founded?"

We are organizing this project all over Korea, but particularly in Seoul, Gwangju, Jeju, Seosan, Daejeon and Daegu. I started to recruit founding team members last July and we all participated in a 3 month online training course and supported by the iHollaback international team so that we could prepare for the launch in early December. We had a lot of hard work like translating the website and mobile app into English, planning 5 launch events in Seoul, Gwangju and Jeju, moderating and growing our social media presence on Facebook and Twitter, and doing media and press outreach. I am really grateful to our team for their dedication and to our community for their warm welcome.

"How does Hollaback! address street harassment?"

Hollaback! has empowered people in over 70 cities and 24 countries internationally to respond to street harassment through a smartphone or web application. Users are encouraged to speak up when they see harassment by quickly documenting it in a short post (photo optional) and sharing it to a publicly viewable map. Anyone browsing the stories on the Hollaback! maps immediately understands 3 things:

1) If you’ve been harassed, you’re not alone,
2) Street harassment is used to exert control over others by making them feel scared or uncomfortable. It is much more than individuals just acting inappropriately.
3) There are street harassment “hotspots” in most cities often centered around high pedestrian traffic areas.
Hollaback! provides comfort to those harassed, and proof that street harassment is a serious problem warranting a serious response from policy makers.

"Is Hollaback! Korea different from other sites because of domestic law?"  

First, it is important to note that our project is about support and social awareness. We are primarily focused on supporting those targeted for street harassment and to promoting public outreach to stop harassers. We believe that what specifically counts as street harassment is determined by those who experience it.  If you’ve experienced street harassment, we’ve got your back! I highly recommend speaking with an organization like Korea Womens Hotline for more detailed analysis of the law, but I can make some personal observations about Korea law.

I think that the Korean legal system is one of the most well organized in the world. Of course there are differences in legal codes country to country, for example, some countries recognize a Good Samaritan code more than Korea. This means that if you intervene to protect someone in danger you get some consideration for being a Good Samaritan. A major difference might be that although Hollaback users in New York and other cities can post the face of their harasser, on our site we have to blur the face and the names of any businesses in the image. We can, and do, post images, but the face has to be blurred. Some countries have more extensive laws covering street harassment than Korea and some do not have such laws. Right now there is a public indecency law with a fine of 30,000 won on the books.

Learn more

I was recently invited to TBS eFM for an interview about Hollaback! Korea to discuss street harassment and have shared the interview below.

Subdued New Year's Eve Celebration in Seoul

Jan. 1, 2014

After protests drew hundreds of thousands out to rally against the Park Geun Hye administration, National Intelligence Service (NIS) election interference and railway privatization protests, downtown Seoul drew crowds last night for the annual New Year's Eve celebration near Bosingkak for the ringing of the bell at midnight. Although about 100,000 people came out for the celebration, the mood in Seoul reflected the disenchantment expressed in the "How are you doing" poster campaigns that have been posted on campuses across the nation.

I have attended this celebration at Bosingkak four times and usually it is a quite festival affair. Usually we enjoy upbeat performances and the crowd is quite excited. Each year a rendition of Arirang swells as the crowd sings along. Popular songs from the past year elicit cheers and crowd participation. Fireworks and cheering crowds usher in the New Year and you can barely hear the ringing of the bell over the crowd. Ordinarily the fireworks light up the sky and members of the crowd shoot off many Roman Candles for added color.

Along the stream near Bosinkak you will usually find abundant decorations and light displays, but last night there was only one small grouping of a lit tree. I suspect that decorating for the holidays was a quite low priority this year amidst protests and recession. But it wasn't only the government side of the celebration that seemed... less... than in previous years, it was also the citizens, who despite coming out, were rather quiet and uninspired to ring in the new year. Police crowd control forces in their their yellow jackets and holding red flags were stationed not only at the perimeter of the crowd, but even prominently distributed throughout the crowd this year.

I had a clearer view than in recent years~

Last night, the music selection and performances were quite subdued. Slow and almost sad ballads were the predominant performances, in contrast to the flashy uptempo dance performances in past years. Even when performers on stage tried to elicit crowd participation, asking the 100,000 attendees to sing the chorus or join in some some call and response singing, the crowd was rather quiet. The event seemed either thrown together at the last minute, or intentionally down tempo. Even the b-boy performance was alongside a mellow rendition of Arirrang. As the clock struck midnight, we counted down from 20 and after a brief cheer, a single spray of silver confetti showered the surprisingly quiet crowd. I could distinctly hear the bell, for once.

Earlier in the evening, over dinner, I had said to a new friend, "If we're going to keep debating politics, I'll need a beer!" I think that sums it up for me, to all of our readers, Happy New Year and thanks for contributing to the discussion here at Korean Gender Cafe~

Links to crowd images and coverage:
http://www.yonhapnews.co.kr/society/2014/01/01/0701000000AKR20140101001600004.HTML
http://www.newscj.com/news/articleView.html?idxno=220761
http://www.newsis.com/ar_detail/view.html?ar_id=NISX20140101_0012631286&cID=10201&pID=10200

Hollaback! Korea Launch & Reflection

The Hollaback! Korea website launched December 3! Hollaback! Korea was founded in August 2013 by a team of 23 volunteers working to address street harassment in Korea. We are the friends, daughters, students, sisters, workers, supporters, partners, wives who are Korean nationals, women of color, adoptees, foreigners, ethnic and overseas Koreans, LGBTQ, young and old, single and multicultural family members of Korean society, we come from Seoul, Gwangju, Busan, Daejeon, Jeju, and Daegu to share these stories. We are building an intersectional space to address street harassment and welcome anyone to participate. Visit Hollaback! Korea at our website, on Facebook, and on Twitter.

Taking the blog off - line the past few months has been really rewarding. Since June I have been recruiting and training side-by-side with a fantastic group of people all over Korea to launch a street (sexual) harassment awareness project called Hollaback! Korea.

This has been one of the most rewarding experiences of the six years I have lived in Korea. Connecting the values of this blog with a project like Hollaback has helped me commit to my work.

I owe a huge debt of gratitude to groups that I’ve learned a lot from over the past few years. The Gwangju International Center (GIC) had a big impact on me during my Gwangju days. I really respected the way that GIC worked hard to integrate community members and provided resources for discussion. In Seoul I have been inspired beyond measure by the people connected to Single Moms’ Day (SMD), which I’ve discussed here on the blog before. I still think SMD is the single most amazing conference I have ever participated in but the group also invited me to see what it was like to have many amazing people participating in a project in a variety of ways. SMD helped me start to engage in communities around me by identifying skills that I did have and could share, and also gave me an aspiration point: I knew that I wanted to keep working hard to learn from others and learn to communicate with others.

I’ve also benefitted from the support of fellow bloggers and writers. I hope there will be future opportunities for feedback and debate, which has been growing in recent months. I have to point out the diligence of the Grand Narrative for sharing information and resources about gender in Korean society, particularly highlighting and promoting the work of others on top of writing great content.

Hollaback! Korea is another type of growth but it is connected to writing and blogging and spreading awareness and many of the core values here at KGC. It has been exciting to interact off – line with team members and to see that events in Gwangju, Jeju and Seoul are engaging people in our discussion. Online, between Facebook, Twitter and the Hollaback Website we have a lot of opportunities to engage and I look forward to the ensuing conversations.

It’s been challenging to juggle the preparation for launch, particularly producing accurate content in Korean. I hope our mobile app is accurately translated and will be useful. Preparing something professional and engaging in Korean is a different experience than writing book reviews, research papers or messing around on my blog in Korean.

It’s been difficult to team build and effectively communicate with a team that is living all over this country. Our team of volunteers has been really energetic and creative. I am lucky to be surrounded by so many talented individuals. Especially those whose talents are so different from my own. I can’t adequately describe how awesome it is to have assembled this group of my favorite and most inspiring peers and then work on a project like this together!

It has been difficult to reach out beyond my own communities and seek new friends. However, this might be my favorite part of this project (and this blog). I started to write because I thought that my passion for my studies was a bit solitary. I want to share ideas and have broader conversations. As a result, I am learning volumes from new friends. I appreciate the lessons and appreciate the mistakes that I make as I take steps forward.

Event: Hollaback! Gwangju, Fri Dec 6, 7PM In the Groove Lounge

Hollaback is a project to address street (sexual) harassment in our communities. The Hollaback! Korea website will launch November 27! Help us spread the word about the project as we start a new chapter of Hollaback in Korea. We will hold an introductory discussion about the issue of street harassment, Hollaback as an international nonprofit, and our goals for HB Korea.

RSVP for the event on Facebook at Hollaback Korea 할라백 코리아

Thank You

Hello Readers,

Thank you for your ongoing support.

Jenderole and I are the founder and main organizers of this blog.

We have both gotten sucked into our thesis research. We are researching, writing (and eventually publishing, gulp) about causes very much in the spirit of Korean Gender Café: gender theory, human rights, LGBTQ rights, sex trafficking, media, law and sex workers rights. For us, this online conversation serves as a motivator in our offline research and a way for us to reach out to you.

This blog was born a little over 14 months ago. We used to hang out together at coffee shops and talk about gender and politics, news, sociology, history, sexuality, and you name it~ We practices communicating about these ideas in English and in Korean. We wished for a way to take our conversations online and share them with wider audiences. We wanted to open a space for discussion.

However, to open space for discussion, we need ongoing participation from our readers and we need your trust. We need to you to add to the discussion in the comments section, to write to us and pose topics, to be a guest contributor to this blog. We need you to build trusting conversations and safe spaces with your friends about the issues we discuss here, to show each other respect and to really do the work of understanding one another.

We want to recognize and deeply thank our contributors over the past year. We enjoyed learning from you and with you, and we were honored to host your thoughtful posts.

Thank you to our friends who helped with editing on the site and with writing. Thank you DaJung, Enzo, Deborah, Chloe, Tamara, Taylor and Bryan.

We have also gotten busy building a great team of folks that are organizing Hollaback! Korea and hope to engage many of our readers in offline projects for public awareness and discussion about street sexual harassment.

In the coming year you can expect more content from us, more offline engagement, and you can expect us to continue to be honored to host guest posts on a variety of topics. Please contact us if you would like to be considered for a guest post.

Let's talk!
Chelle B. Mille

Testify, PART III: Sex After Sexual Assault 성폭행 후의 성생활 [Guest Post]

Join us in thanking guest blogger Chloe Lee Myunghyun, an organizer of Disruptive Voices, for sharing this final installment on her series about sexual assault, police reporting and dating after assault. Please also read Part I: The Morning After and Part II: Latent Rapists. 

-Chelle B Mille

PART III: Sex After Sexual Assault 성폭행 후의 성생활

사건 사고 발생일로부터 이미 1년 4개월, 내가 성폭행 생존자라는 것을 깨달은지 8개월째.
A year and four months after the attack, and 8 months since I realized I am a survivor.

재미있는건 자신이 어떤 상황에서 피해자임을 깨닫는것 만큼 자의식이 뚜렷해지는 일도 없지만 그만큼 섹스에 대한 태도도 바뀐다. 내가 처음 "내가 당한일은 그가 술마셔서, 약을 해서야"등 그에게 변명을 대줬고 끊임없이 당시 무력했던 자신을 자책한 것은 이미 거론했다. 그러나 시간이 흘러가면서 더 이상 이런 자기연민에 빠져있는 피해자가 아닌, 이 일로 다른 사람들을 도울수 있는 생존자가 되려고 노력했다. 나의 대처 방법은 남들에게 나의 이야기를 하는 것이었다. 이를 통해 성적 학대에 대한 이야기들을 주위에서 더 많이 듣게 되었고 무섭게도 얼마나  흔히 있는 일인지 깨달았다. 말을 할수록 자신에게 대한 수치심이나 부끄러움도 덜었다. 얘기할 때마다 나는 더 큰 해방감을 느꼈다.

The funny thing is there is nothing more that awakens the consciousness than discovering that you are a victim, but my attitude towards sex had changed permanently. In the beginning, I came up with all sorts of excuses to for him, "This happened to me 'cus he was drunk, 'cus he was high", and I have already mentioned how much I faulted my helplessness. As time passed, I no longer wanted to be a victim wallowing in self-pity, but worked hard to become a survivor that could help others through my experience. My way of dealing with it was to tell others my story. The more I told my story, the more individuals around me came forward with their own stories. The more I talked about it, the more the shame and humiliation wore off. I felt more liberated every time I shared.

그러나 이 이야기를 쉽게 꺼낼수 없는 상대들이 있었다. 이들은 나의 섹스 파트너들이었다.  내 파트너 중 가장 가까운 친구외에는 그 누구에게도 내 이야기를 말하지 않았다. 나의 대다수의 파트너들은 친구도 연인도 아닌 애매한 사이의 상대들이었고 이런 나의 일을 털어놓으면 애매한 사이가 더 틀어지는 건 뻔하다. 그들과 은밀한 나의 일부를 공유하면서도, 나의 은밀한 일들을 말할수 없는게 참 모순이다. 끌리면 가능했던 섹스, 나는 소위 "해방된, 개방적인 성생활"을 누리고 있다고 생각했지만 되돌아보면 완전히 깨어있는 정신으로 섹스를 한 적이 별로 없었다. 더 짜증나는 사실은 나에게 있었던 일이 강제추행이라는 것을 깨닫고 난 후 섹스 할 때마다 자신의 트로우마의 흔적을 다시 보게됐다. 내가 당한게 범죄라는 것을 알기 전에는 이러한 증상에 시달리지 않았다. 이런걸 보면 차라리 몰랐으면…이라는 생각도 든다.

But there were certain individuals I could not share my story to. Those were my sex partners. Excluding one that is a close friend of mine, I did not tell anyone else. All of my partners have been in-betweens, someone lost between friend and lover, and I knew the already-awkward relationships would turn terribly awry if I told them what had happened to me. It was ironic how I could not be intimately comfortable with them even though I was sharing a part of me that was intimate. I was living a "liberated and conscious" sex life, yet looking back I can count how many times I have had completely sober sex. The brunt of this turmoil was that the trauma hit an all-time high after once my experience was labeled “sexual assault”. I have been seeing traces of my trauma smudged under the sheets, on the ceiling, and the four walls of every bedroom I was intimate in. I didn’t suffer from such symptoms before it was called assault, and I sometimes wonder if it was better not knowing at all.

이 일이 있는 전까지는 첫 경험한 남자하고만 잠자리를 가졌었다. 당시 우린진지한 사이도 아니었지만 섹스에 대해 꽤 보수적이었다. 그러나 그 일 이후로 새로운 "성적 자유로움"을 찾은 나, 진실로 성 주체성을 되찾은 것인가 아님 아직도 트로우마에서 헤어나오지 못하는 것인지? 나는 전자라고 믿고 싶다.

Before the incident, I was that girl, physically and emotionally loyal to the man I lost my virginity to. He was merely a distant friend; I suppose I was quite conventional in a sense . But after a failed attempt at prosecuting my perpetrator, was my new-found "sexual liberation" truly a statement of my restoring my sexuality or was I in denial about my healing? I hope for the former.

경찰서 사건 이후로 이 일이 산산조각난 후 만나고 있는 점잖은 친구 한 명과 처음으로 제대로된 성관계를 가졌다. 그리고 잠에 들었는데 그날 저녁 강간 당한 꿈을 꿨다. 꿈에서 나는 곧바로 병원에서 검사를 받고 증거물을 가지고 경찰서에 가서 신고했다. 신고 대상도 아닌게 한이었나보다. 다음 번에는 그와 섹스를 한 후 순간 너무 더럽게 느껴졌고 갑자기 공황증상까지 오기도 했다. 예상치도 못한 기이한 상황들이 벌어지자  나는 투쟁 정신이 강해졌다. 한동안은 금욕주의자가 될까도 생각해봤지만 이 일로 하여금 내 자신을 더 이상 자책하거나 벌주고 싶진 않았다. 무엇보다도 끌리는 사람이 있으면 자연스럽게 원하게 된다. 물론 가장 이상적인 상황은 나를 아끼고 사랑해주는 상대를 만나 나에게 있었던 일들을 모두 얘기하고, 그가 날 이해해주고, 날 더 사랑해주고, 우린 열정적이고 불타오르는 섹스를 할 것이고 등등.. 말해봤자 희망사항일뿐 난 내 자신을 위해 더 현실적인 방법으로 대면해야 했다.

One of the first times I had sober sex after the incident, I fell asleep after and dreamt that I got raped. The morning after I went to the hospital and filed a police report with the evidence at hand. I must have been hung up about not being validated. The next time, it felt so dirty after and I had a panic attack where I felt like I was drowning. As these strange events occured, I only wanted to fight this even more. For some time, I wondered if I should become celibate but I no longer wanted to blame or punish myself for what happened. On top of that, I naturally crave intimacy when I meet someone I am attracted to. Granted, the most ideal scenario would be to be intimate with someone that loves me and I will feel comfortable to tell them everything and they will understand, love me even more and we will have passionate, hot sex, etc but these are unrealistic demands. I had to make more practical decisions about my sex life.

시간이 지난 후 또 끌리는 상대를 만났다. 이때는 정말이야 말로 이 트로우마이고 뭐고 자유로운 섹스를 하고 싶었다. 그리고 정말 오랫만에 잠자리에서 다른 남자를 상상하지 않고그냥 그에게 너무 끌렸다. 도중 화장실이 급해 침대에서 일어나 혼자 화장실로 들어갔는데 나도 모르게 울기 시작했다. 울면서도 계속 내 자신에게 "안돼, 이걸 이겨야 해"라고 하면서 화장실에서 나와 그는 마저 2시간동안 침대를 달궜다.

After some time, I met another person I was undeniably attracted to. Trauma or not, I wanted to enjoy sex openly. And for the first time in a long time, I had sex with him without fantasizing about someone else. I was just so attracted to him. In the middle, I had to pee so I went to the bathroom alone and I started crying uncontrollably. Even through the tears, I told myself, "I need to fight this," and came out looking fresh and we heated up the sheets for two more hours.

모임에 있는 친구들에게 성적 학대 후 성 생활에 대해 물어봤을때 그들은 시간이 약이라고 한다. 그러면서도 가끔 좌절하게 될때도 있다고 한다. 인생의 모든 안 좋은 추억과 일들처럼, 흔적은 남는다. 나에게 정답은 없다. 내가 다음에 만날 상대와 잠을 잤을 때도 똑같이 고통스러울까? 아니면 아무런 느낌도 없을까? 지금만큼은 이 노이로제에서 벗어나고 싶다. 그러나 제발, 제발... 아무 느낌도 없는 섹스만 아니었으면 좋겠다.

When I ask my friends from the meetings about sex after sexual assault, they that it gets better with time. But that you still have your moments. Just like everything bad you go through in life, the traces remain. I have no real answers. Will I still hurt with the next man I sleep with? Or will I feel nothing at all? All I want right now is a peace of mind. But please, please... I just wish for anything but sex that doesn’t make me feel anything.


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